From: The Racksasha Area: Mundane To: Amethyst 15 Nov 94 15:53:36 Subject: Babes! UpdReq Shit! I found ya on here? How're ya!? ,,'..',, / The Racksasha 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718 From: Amethyst Area: Mundane To: Aladrisa 14 Nov 94 02:02:32 Subject: Re: Toxic parenting UpdReq A> I would have FLIPPED! If the school called me to tell A> me that I would have A> hopped in my car and went there and told them both off. I was too stunned to think of doing that. I was standing there, dressed in grubby clothes, my hair needing to be washed (I wasn't planning on going out for supper that night) and my house was a disaster area. I thought of hiding the altar, but I didn't have time. It was off in the far corner and it was the first thing she saw...she instantly glared at it and then me (which Erinn also noticed) and that set the tone for the entire weekend. I was still determined not to back down on my religion no matter what, but for some reason, until it really got down to it, I was willing to take the rest of it quietly for the sake of the girls. I had to finally realize that they were hurting the girls too to be willing to kick them out of my life. My mother shut my grandmother out our lives for 7 years (from the time I was 2 until I was 9). All I had through those years was her smiling face to remind me of someone who really loved me, and yet, I didn't know for sure who she was or how to find her. Then she died when I was 17. She knew me through most of the troubled years but never saw a resolution or my daughters. The time I had with her was so short, and my mother really did act as kind and sweet to the girls at times as my grandmother acted towards me. I didn't want to deny the girls having a grandmother like I was denied. I had to finally come to terms with the fact that my mother could never be the kind of grandmother to my girls that mine was to me. A> Thats when I would have kicked them both out OR told A> them to can it right then A> and there. I've told the mother figure so many times to fnark off I lost A> count. One thing my kids know is that they do NOT have A> to put up with crap A> like that. Now my girls know that too. It's made a difference to Erinn. I used to think it was just Wicca and feeling good about herself as a female, but I have noticed since then that she has started spending more time with friends that respect her rather than the ones who treat her bad and play mean jokes on her. A> Material stuff huh? Lucky..I never made it that far. It really doesn't make up for it. I never really treasured it all (and it was only once a year that she spoiled me like that and it wasn't like we were rich or anything), but the one thing it has done is make me place too much value in such things today. I somehow think that if I lost everything I have that's material, I wouldn't be able to survive or my whole world would fall apart. Certainly I feel that way about the things I couldn't replace like pictures and the things my grandmother left me, few, thought they are. I made Greg take all the things my mother has given me and throw them in a storage locker when I had that big blow up with my parents...I want nothing they ever gave me! A> Man Am...time to nuke her. Destruction must go. I almost killed her off when I was 14. I hear about all the emotionally and verbally abused kids (some of them now adults) that were brought out as a result of that episode of The Fifth Estate on CBC called "The Trouble with Evan" and they talk about how they used to plot that they would kill their parents...I did that, too. From the time I was 5, I used to sit in my room in a corner with my knees drawn up, rocking back and forth chanting "I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I'm going to kill her....someday I'm going to kill her!" after every time she had verbally abused me and sent me to my room in tears. Then on Victoria Day, the year that I turned 14, I lost it because she wouldn't let me go out and watch the fireworks with my friends. She said I just wanted to go off and sleep with some boy and she was never letting me out of the apartment again. I had already stopped going to school because I was sick of the abuse I got from classmates and she had caught me necking with some guy one night so she wanted to keep me prisoner to keep me from growing up...especially in the direction her upbringing was pushing me. So she stood between me and the door (stupid thing to do when you've abused a child for nine years and she's a determined, rebellious teenager who's now bigger than you and pissed off), and I yelled "I don't have to take this crap from you anymore, bitch!" and grabbed one of those wooden stand up clothes drying racks (it was in the livingroom at the time) and wallopped her with it until it fell apart. Then I grabbed the metal pipe from the vaccuum cleaner and pounded on her with that until she cleared the door and I suddenly came to my senses, realizing that if I didn't get out of there, the next thing I'd grab was a knife (or something equally useful to finish her off with) and I ran down to my grandmother's apartment which was right below us, freaking out at what I'd just done. My grandmother wasn't surprised...I guess she'd seen it coming. I'm not proud of that, but it was inevitable considering how long I built up all that rage without an outlet. I hadn't just taken abuse from her,but all the kids at school, too. Taking crap from people was all I had ever learned to do. She didn't press charges, but she tried to ship me to Cincinnati to live with my aunt and when that didn't work out (I lasted a week), my cousin drove me back and she had me hauled off to a psychiatric ward until the CCAS finally took custody of me. She kept telling people she was looking to work things out and get me back home again and set up the visits and all, but when they scheduled therapy appointments, she never showed up and we'd end up wasting the hour waiting for her. I got my karma though...in the second placement, I got beaten up for no reason by another 14-yr-old. I paid my dues...her payment has only just begun with the loss of contact with her grandchildren. She cut my grandmother off from one...I've got 3. I guess it works out according to the law of threes. She's never forgiven me for that beating...never fails to throw it up in my face and to everyone else to prove that I was inherently evil right from the day I was born...I guess she thinks I'm the "demonseed" of my abusive father. It's never once crossed her mind (and she would never accept it if someone else pointed it out to her) that she had some part to play in that. I was only returning to her in a physical sense the verbal and emotional beating she'd given me for 9 years. A> And you didnt slap her? I want there and already my blood is boiling! It never even crossed my mind. I'd already pounded her for the abuse years before. Why be redundant and risk her charging me with assault? I'd rather she be the one to strike me first so I could press the charges. It's almost too bad that my father was there to hold her back...not that he would have testified in my favour, being the only witness to the exchange. They both seem to have their own warped version of every reality. At least in his case I can say it's senility, but in her case it must be mental illness...she's only going on 48 (she had me when she was 17). A> Good. (that you havent heard). WHat a bunch of morons they must be. No A> respect. SO I take it she doesnt know you have changed your name. Did you A> change your kids last names? No. It's important that the girls keep their father's name (Greg adopted Erinn after we were married). I hold no grudge against him and there's no reason to change their names. I'm just the odd one out and for once in my life, I rather prefer that. A> I'm suing my father for sexual abuse (he did 5 months A> out of 15 big whoop) and A> my mother as an accessory and my mother for child abuse. My goal? To get A> enough money to continue my education that I missed out A> on as a teen because I A> was so messed up and to finally look them pathetically in the eye and say A> "I've won." I almost wish my mother had done something I could sue her for, so I could have that satisfaction, but with no physical scars, no witnesses, no siblings that experienced the same, I can't sue her for anything. My step-father didn't come into her life until I was in the CCAS and the only thing one of her boyfriends did was turn me over his knee once for mouthing off at her, to which she was the only witness (the old dude is probably dead by now...she has always had this thing for much older men). It would just be her word against mine and she would get her equally screwed up sisters to testify on her side. Anyone in that whole family who would be on my side is dead and everyone else has been poisoned against me and have the same fickle, questionable memory that she does. A> I wont accept them into my life. My kids deserve A> better, I deserve better. She A> will never change and I would not risk that in a A> million years. Apology or A> no.. I dont think I would EVER get back in with them. A> This may sound cold but A> I did not attend my aunts funeral, I will not attend my mothers or anyone A> elses for that matter. WHy would I? To pay my last A> respects? Hell no! My last A> respects went with them the day they hurt me for the last time. WHen the A> mother figure is old and gray, she'll come hunting and A> I will be no where to be found. To tell you the truth, I know she would never agree to those terms because she can't see the injury she's done, so it's a non-issue for me. I've thought a couple of times what I would say if my step-father called to say "Your mother is dying" (although he's so much older than her I know she'll outlive him) and I'm convinced I say, "I'm sorry, you must have a wrong number. I don't have a mother." As far as I'm concerned, I'm not related to that entire family and there's no reason why I would go to their funerals. The only purpose I could see in attending my mother's is so I could finally have a chance to throw some dirt at her for a change...it's not exactly worth the trip. A> Truly. Let her experience 1/8th of your pain and see how she feels. It's already begun. It'll probably take years for her to appreciate how hard it is to grow old without us, but eventually she will. I used to think I'd let the girls stay in touch with her or send her pictures of them as they grow, but I don't think I owe her that much. She stole me from my grandmother and robbed me of my self-esteem. I too, have lost every chance to make something of myself so far. Even if I could sue her, she's not rich and I can't even begin to total the damage to my mental and physical health. Maybe someday, I will write a book and it will get published...then I will finally have my say in a way that she can't deny me. BB -=Amethyst=- 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718 From: Amethyst Area: Mundane To: The Racksasha 16 Nov 94 05:45:32 Subject: Babes! UpdReq TR> Shit! I found ya on here? How're ya!? TR> TR> TR> TR> ,,'..',, / TR> The Racksasha I'm fine, but as much as I hate to admit it, I don't know who you are. Perhaps I once knew you by a different handle? BB -=Amethyst=- 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718 From: RAINLAKE Area: Mundane To: FARRELL MCGOVERN 17 Nov 94 03:00:40 Subject: Metaphysics? UpdReq -> Basically, I am working on moving Metaphysical into an equiv. -> Fidonews, but with the Metaphysical echo as the main source of "submi -> Farrell, I still want to get that article to you I tried to e-mail and couldn't upload successfully to my e-mail-provider board, plus another one written since then. Any suggestions? Can't post directly to Metaphysical from here. 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718 From: RAINLAKE Area: Mundane To: JESS BUCKLEY 17 Nov 94 03:04:42 Subject: Re: Doctors and Respect UpdReq -> Exactly. Doctors in general need to be educated about women's needs -> all areas. How many women are still diagnosed as hysterical, or -> crazy just because a doctor can't name what's wrong with them. How -> many women were labelled crazy before chronic fatigue syndrome was I have CFS and fibromyalgia. I can vouch for this. -> recognised? This is so stupid. I'm with you, we have to stand up -> to the doctors when they aren't taking us seriously, and that appli -> equally to men as well. Doctors aren't going to change unless its -> cost effective to do so. -> Unfortunately, standing up to them can also get you labeled hysterical. 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718 From: Ariovistus Area: Mundane To: Farrell McGovern 6 Nov 94 17:27:54 Subject: Quantum mechanics & causality (from WICCA)UpdReq FmG>Actually, the "butterfly causing the storm" story is more an illistration FmG>of Chaos theory than of Quantum Physics. That is true. It is an interesting idea, though a rather extreme example. A>Seriously now, quantum mechanics is an emerging science, and not all of its A>theories are scientifically well-established. Even Einstein disagreed with A>a lot of it. And just as Newtonian physics loses effectiveness on a A>subatomic scale, quantum theories lose effectiveness on any scale larger A>than the subatomic. If you take it too far, it results in a lot fuzzy-A>headed notions (some of the ideas which have sprung up around observer A>theory are just as silly as any children's superstition). FmG>Well, basically, no. You see, basis of Quantum Physics has been around FmG>since nearly the turn of the century...and some of the interpretations, FmG>most notibly the Everet-Wheeler "Many Worlds" interpretation, have ruffled FmG>a lot of feathers over the years. The big problem is that the same math FmG>that says such interpretations are possible, also shows how our computers,FmG>particle accellarators, supercolliders and quartz-halogen headlights work. FmG>If these things didn't work as the math says they do, then we could throw FmG>non-causality, multiple parallel worlds and such out the window. But they FmG>do..and we can't. Theories come and go; the ones which stand up to experimentation tend to last. Earlier this century, for instance, there were plenty of scientific "proofs" of why airplanes could never travel faster than the speed of sound. The theories that those "proofs" were built from were probably correct, but misapplied in any case. I am not saying that quantum mechanics is essentially wrong: I am just skeptical about some of the ideas built up from it. Mathematical analysis may prove that alternate reality time-lines are possible, but that still does not prove that they actually do exist. It is still a matter of legitimate scientific debate. I have even seen quantum mechanics used to justify biological theories similar to those of Lamarck and Lysenko. Quantum mechanics seems to be one of those things like the Constitution and the Bible: if you keep stretching the meanings enough, you can make it say whatever you want. FmG>Ahh...Mr Tesla did a lot of very good science, he invented radio before FmG>Marconi (but Marconi got better publicity), and he showed that alternating FmG>current is better for transmitting electricity, opposing Thomas Edison, FmG>who thought that DC was better... Tesla did make significant contributions. But some of his modern-day enthusiasts get a little too carried away toward quackery. Not all facets of 18th century physics have withstood experimentation (phlogiston, N-rays, etc.) As for the radio, everybody knows that A.S. Popov invented it: I read that in the Great Soviet Encyclopedia, so it must be true. ;^) (Since it's not off-topic to go on tangents here...) AC is indeed better for transmitting electricity, insofar that it can be stepped up to higher voltage with a transformer (thus reducing the effects of resistance). But DC does have its uses: 60-cycle hum from the AC line contributes to noise in audio equipment. Also, incandescent light bulbs last much longer using DC rather than AC. It is very easy to make a DC converter, but light bulb companies don't make them, because they would put themselves out of business. (Does anyone want to know how to make one?) FmG>But let's not go to Pagan Chat, since the last time we tried to discuss FmG>Quantum Physics there ended in a shouting match. Why not try Mundane? Here we are. 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718 From: Jess Buckley Area: Mundane To: Amethyst 4 Nov 94 20:33:56 Subject: Re: Doctors and Respect UpdReq -=> Quoting Amethyst to Jess Buckley <=- Am> That doctor made me feel cheap and worthless, Am> and that was how I presented myself to the Wiccan community that I Am> became involved in when I lived in Toronto. It makes me sick to see Am> men like that practicing such an intimate specialty of medicine, and Am> in the past few years I've known better than to tolerate it from any Am> doctor. If they don't treat me like a human being, I move on to Am> another who can give me the respect I deserve. Exactly. Doctors in general need to be educated about women's needs in all areas. How many women are still diagnosed as hysterical, or crazy just because a doctor can't name what's wrong with them. How many women were labelled crazy before chronic fatigue syndrome was recognised? This is so stupid. I'm with you, we have to stand up to the doctors when they aren't taking us seriously, and that applies equally to men as well. Doctors aren't going to change unless its cost effective to do so. I've been through a number of doctors in the past few years, between the way they behave and the way they charge you and don't warn you about the fees even when you ask...its driving me crazy. Also, I have a very chronic problem for which the prescribed medicine is considered narcotic. Now, I arrange things so that I take this stuff for a couple of weeks so I can get my voice back, then I go as long as I can stand until I can barely talk before I ask for more. Now I don't think that sounds like an addict, do you? Anyway, almost no doctors will prescribe the stuff. It drives me crazy trying to get my medicine. Not to mention the fact that they have never been able to figure out whats wrong with me. Or cure it. Or even provide me with a different medicine that works. Go figure. ... You are the work of God/dess, s/he does only lovable items 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718