From:    Albertus Magnus                        Area: Metaphysical
To:      All                                    25 Apr 95 22:23:42
Subject: Three Weeks in Death: March 24 - April 13 (a)UpdReq 

 Celebrity Birthdays, Friday, April 14
 Anthony Michael Hall, actor (27) David Justice, baseball player (29)
 Greg Maddux, baseball pitcher (29) Randolph Powell, actor (45) John
 Shea, actor (46) Valeri Brumel, Olympic high jumper (53) Julie Christie,
 actress (54) Pete Rose, former baseball player (54) Robert Scheer,
 journalist and anti-war activist (59) Frank Serpico, police detective
 (59) Loretta Lynn, singer- songwriter (60) Bradford Dillman, actor (65)
 Chadli Benjedid, former President of Algeria (66) Rod Steiger, actor
 (70) Shorty Rogers, jazz trumpeter (71) Roberto DeVicenzo, golfer (72)
 Dana Fradon, political cartoonist (73) Mary Healy, actress (77) Marvin
 Miller, former exec director baseball's Player's Assn (78) Sir John
 Gielgud, actor (91)
 Quote of the Week
 Spam Haiku:
   Highly unnatural,
   The tortured shape of this "food."
   A small pink coffin.
      --author unknown
 Three Weeks In Death (March 24-April 13)

 --Whilst vacationing in Europe, we twiddled away any and every
 opportunity to examine a newspaper.  We therefore certainly missed an
 important death or two.  On the other hand, we can't tell you how
 blissful it is to live two weeks without Marcia, Johnny, Lance, Brian
 (Kato), and O.J.  Nonetheless, we did attempt to pay heed to Death in
 Europe, and our observations are sprinkled yon.--
 Thousands of Parisiens (?  - 1765), Parisiens.  The Romans built an
 extensive warren of tunnels underneath Paris' Left Bank, which are now
 known as the Catacombs.  Through 1765, thousands of bones were removed
 from the city's charnel houses and stored there (in WWII, the French
 Resistance also made use of these tunnels).  This was going to be the
 highlight of our visit.  We actually made it to the gate, but we
 couldn't get in -- the Catacombs were closed because they were being
 *renovated*.  We were dumbfounded.  "Renovated."  Swear to God.  What
 could that possibly mean?  New wallpaper?  Spackling some of the older
 bones?  Maybe trying to plant some cheery flowers?  Not coincidentally
 (there are no coincidences), the Louvre was closed.  Oh, yeah.  Closed.
 There was a strike against the Ministry of Culture.  Hell.
  Bob Allison (60), athlete.  Rookie of the Year in 1959 with the
 Senators.  He played for the team (which moved and became the Twins)
 until 1970.  During that stretch, he twice made the All-Star team.
 Hieronymous Bosch (1450-1516), artist.  Let us say right up front: a lot
 of our European deaths are artists who got here because we happened to
 see their (death-related) art.  For reasons beyond our control, we didn't
 get a chance to visit many gravesites.  Astoundingly, Spain (specifically
 Madrid and Segovia) was devoid of cemeteries, or tombs, or even memorial
 plaques.  We don't know why.  We expect somebody out there will tell us
 however, which we'll appreciate.  It was like that "Star Trek: Voyager"
 episode where there was a planet of people who put their dead in these
 pod things which zap the bodies somewhere.  The people on the planet
 figured they were sending the bodies into the next life, but where they
 were actually sending them was onto the engineering deck of the Voyager
 because they (the bodies) were attracted to the warp coils or something.
 Spain was like that.  Anyway Bosch's "The Garden of Earthly Delights"
 is hanging in the Prado in Madrid.  It's weird.
 Peter Bruegel (Drat, we forgot to note whether it was Bruegel the Elder
 or Bruegel the Younger.  Ah, like it matters.  They're both dead), artist.
 Also at the Prado was Breugel's  "The Triumph of Death."  A masterpiece
 of horror.  Skeletons cutting off people's heads, crucifying people,
 hanging them, throwing them into rivers of blood, not to mention all
 that Flame From Hell.  Man, if Death looks like it's about to triumph in
 your neighborhood, grab the first Greyhound outta town.  We're serious.
 Miff Campbell (89), entertainer.  An original member of the Ink Spots.
 Countess Edda Ciano (84), Benito Mussolini's eldest daughter.  A close
 aide to her father until he had his Foreign Minister shot.  This upset
 Edda, understandably enough, because the Foreign Minister was her
 husband, Galeazzo Ciano.  Galeazzo, it seems, voted against Benito once
 at a Cabinet meeting, which somehow eventually led to Benito's arrest,
 and when occupying German forces reinstalled Benito, Benito decided to
 kill Galeazzo.  Edda got mad at Benito, and Rachele Mussolini, Edda's
 mother, got mad at Edda because she blamed Galeazzo for Benito's
 troubles.  That's when Amanda joined the Government and Melrose Piazza
 was never the same again.
 Morarji Desai (99), politician.  Morarji defeated Indira Gandhi to become
 Prime Minister in 1977, marking the beginning of the Congress Party's
 gradual slide from dominance.  Not that Gandhi wasn't cruising for it.
 She had declared a state of emergency, under which her government
 imprisoned thousands, including Desai for two years.  And then there were
 those forced sterilizations.  Not even Nixon tried that.  Then again, who
 knows what would have happened if he'd had a chance to finish that
 second term.  Anyway.  Desai reopened relations with China and with
 Pakistan.
      A political rival from his own party, Charan Singh, naively threw
 in with Gandhi, and defeated Desai to become PM in '79.  Gandhi withdrew
 her support and easily defeated Singh to become PM again.
 Rene Descartes (1596-1650), philosopher.  We found a funeral plaque
 dedicated to Descartes in St. Germain-de-Pres, the oldest church in
 Paris, consecrated in 1163.  Descartes was a brilliant mathematician and
 philosopher.  Phrases such as 'Go ahead, make my day" remain current only
 for a few years, but Descartes was one of the few people to utter a
 phrase so pithy it will be remembered through the ages: "Cogito ergo
 sum," or, in English, "I think, therefore I am an Eggo."
 Marcel Duchamp (1887-1968), artist.  Marcel is included here for two of
 his works we found in the Georges Pompidou Center: "Sculpture Morte" and
 "Torture Morte." The former is a small plate of fruit made from wax
 (apparently wax, it might've been something painted and lacquered) with
 a couple of large roaches and beetles crawling on it.  The latter was a
 plaster cast of the bottom of someone's foot, painted a fleshy pink,
 with dead flies embedded in the sole.  Duchamp was one sick puppy.
 Eazy-E (Eric Wright; 31), rapper.  A member of Niggaz Wit' Attitude, he
 was the producer of that group's seminal disk, "Straight Outta Compton."
 What's going to happen when one half of all the Gangsta rappers are
 dead or in jail, and the other half are revealed to have been posers
 cynically riding the trend?  Eazy-E fell into both categories.  A
 middle-class kid who dropped out of high school and joined a gang,
 Eazy-E did gain street credibility, but choosing to be mean and stupid
 isn't a good long-term strategy, and even he began to leave the pose
 behind.  He even came out to support Ted Briseno, one of the LAPD cops
 involved in the Rodney King beating.  He died of AIDS.
... You can't build a reputation on what you're going to do. * Ford  


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From:    Albertus Magnus                        Area: Metaphysical
To:      All                                    25 Apr 95 22:24:24
Subject: Three Weeks in Death: March 24 - April 13 (b)UpdReq 

 T. Keith Glennan (89), first administrator of NASA.
 Francisco de Goya y Luciente (1746-1828), artist.  Goya gets a mention
 for his painting, "Saturn," also in the Prado, in which he presciently
 designed the automobile of the same name before anyone had even heard of
 such a conveyance.  Kidding!  It's a picture of the god, enjoying a meal
 of child.  He's sitting there holding the body of a tyke, whose head is
 not in evidence, though we can assume that that is what Saturn is
 chewing on whilst lost in thought.  Ghastly, in an intellectual sort of
 way.  See Rubens.
 Gunter Guillaume (68), spy.  Guillaume worked his way up the ranks in
 West Germany's Social Democratic Party, and in 1969 was tapped by Willy
 Brandt to be one of his top aides.  Even though the West German security
 forces had information suggesting that Guillaume was a spy, it didn't
 act on it until four years later, after Guillaume was able to nab a
 briefcase full of NATO nuclear secrets and pass them along.  When that
 came out, Brandt was gone, and Guillaume got 13 years.  Then Amanda
 joined the government and Melroseplatz was never the same again.
 Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (1756-1791), composer.  We weren't anywhere near his
 grave, but we did happen to see the movie before we left.  That Salieri guy
 almost justifies Ayn Rand's ridiculous babbling about how the world is
 out to get geniuses.  But then again, when you get right down to it,
 nothing really justifies Ayn Rand's ridiculous babbling.  Anyway, we did
 attend a performance of Mozart's "Requiem" at the Madeleine in Paris,
 and we think that hearing his mass for the dead justifies including
 Mozart here.  The beauty of the piece is breathtaking, and the Madeleine
 is our favorite church in the world.  We could close our eyes and imagine
 that the music was a cthonic emanation, doubling and redoubling itself
 in the Madeleine's nave until powerful enough to lase straight to the
 ear of God.
 Frederick D. Nichols (83), Jefferson scholar.  A former professor at the
 University of Virginia, Nichols was tapped to manage the renovation of
 Jefferson's Rotunda.  It had burned in 1895, and was redone by Stanford
 White, who, shall we say, over-embellished the structure.  Nichols had
 all of White's additions removed.  Jefferson had also intended for there
 to be a 25-mile vista, which Nichols believed was marred by the presence
 of yet another structure erected by White.  His biggest regret, he said,
 was that during the student riots of 1968, he couldn't convince his
 students to burn it down.
 Peter Paul Rubens (1577-1640), artist.  Rubens gets a mention for his
 painting, "Saturn," also hanging in the Prado, in which he presciently
 designed the automobile of the same name before anyone had even heard of
 such a conveyance.  Kidding!  It's a picture of the god, enjoying a meal
 of child.  Rubens' version puts Goya's to shame, and two hundred years
 beforehand too.  His Saturn is voraciously biting into the breastplate of
 a cherubic child, whose eyes are rolling back into his head.  Visceral
 horror.  And this from a guy noted for pastoral paintings of plump nude
 chicks.
 Selena (23), singer.  One of the most exciting entertainers in the world.
 She started out with Los Dinos, a family band, and recently went out on
 her own as one of the leading proponents of Tejano, a hot cross-border
 mix of musical styles.  She was big -- sort of  a Michael Jackson circa
 "Off the Wall" -- that is to say, before he betrayed what a truly
 strange being he is.  She won a Grammy last year for Best Mexican-American
 recording, a sham category for a worthy album.  Shot by someone
 formerly in her employ.
 Marion Tinsley (68), checkers champion.  Tinsely lost only 9 games of
 checkers since 1955, when he won his first championship.  They never
 built a computer that could beat him.
 From the Volunteer Army Department (VAD): The Church of Euthanasia is
 now up on the Web.  Seemingly a strange coalition of ..., basically of
 every group that populates the right wing's worst nightmares.  The basic
 creed is anything anyone does to one's self to reduce the population is
 A Good Thing, and the Church's one commandment is "Thou shalt not
 procreate."
      Though the Church encourages abortion, sodomy, suicide, and
 cannibalism, it is laudably finicky about behavior that causes harm to
 someone else, which it discourages.  In other words, kill yourself (and
 try to remember to do it after you contribute money to the church), but
 let other people make that decision for themselves.  Of course, the
 Church attracts some truly warped people, but it handles these wackos
 with a sense of humor you'll never find in any of the major world religions.
      We'll pass on some of the Church's hints on suicide:
      "Drowning has its good points, and the colder the water, the faster
 it goes.  Avoid being rescued, and keep in mind that your body might turn
 up somewhat chewed.
      "Getting into a bathtub with your hairdryer might not work.  It
 depends on your fuses, and worse, someone else might get electrocuted
 trying to save you.
      "Don't hang yourself without reading Naked Lunch first.  It can be
 quite messy and disagreeable for whoever has to cut you down.  I know it
 looked easy in Billy Budd, but that was a MOVIE.  The British Navy also
 used very LONG ropes to break the neck instantly."
      Well-read and practical.  That's our kind of religion.  Find the
 Church of Euthanasia at http://www.paranoia.com/coe/
 From the Stolen Material Department (SMD): The following comes from News
 of the Weird: Recent deaths: Gladys Louise White-Black, in Austin, Tex.;
 Hallelujah Amen Lee, in Kasilof, Alaska; Kevin C. Tombs, in New York
 City; lawyer Thomas C. Angst, 31, of suicide after a Pennsylvania
 Supreme Court disciplinary board investigation closed in on him; and Mr.
 Eleven Hopson, 74, in Columbus, Ohio, the last survivor of Mary and
 Thomas Hopson's eleven children.
 No animals are harmed in the production of The Week in Death.
 (c) 1995 Brian Santo
... I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane.  I told everybody I'm Narcissus.  


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