From: Albertus Magnus Area: Metaphysical To: All 20 Aug 94 17:50:18 Subject: News, 1 of 7 UpdReq The following 7 messages are to be read in order. Keep your eyes on the banner bits. I can't take credit for this creation, I happened along it in my travels. Needless to say, I think you'll like it. It's supposed to represent a futuristic newspaper... -=- ************************************************************************ Morning Edition * ******* ******* ******* * Price: 45* sections * * * * * Weather: Headlines - A * * HE * OMMOROW * IMES * Sunny Local - B * * * * * & Sports - C * * Warm Obit's - D * "All the news that's printed to fit..." *Oct 12 1996 ************************************************************************ POLL SHOWS 39% WILLING TO GIVE UP LIBERTIES * BORDER PATROL BUSTED War on drugs heats up, cited as factor * Found importing drugs * (AP) The Gordon Black foundation poll taken * (UPI) The US Customs was last week showed that out of a random group * embarrassed today as 73 of Americans, 39.4% where willing to 'have * indictments were handed significantly less civil rights' in order * down to member of the to empower police to catch more drug dealers* border patrol found to be and users. * trafficking in narcotics 'We are all just fed up with the violence* (cont. pg 16) as result of this War on Drugs!' said one *************************** pollee, 'I'm not sure if it's the drugs or * HOUSE SCANDAL WIDENS if it's the "war" on them causing all of the* Legal probe likely bloodshed, but I oppose legalization in any * way..in fact, a return to Prohibition would * (AP) Members of Congress probably bring the crime rate down, too!' * were again the prime sus- In related news, a Gallup poll found that* pects in another scandal. over 43% of Americans feel that 'the govern-* Illegal campaign contrib- ment is ALWAYS right' and 52% of the public * utions totalling over 4 felt incapable of making any personal moral * million dollars were decisions, relying instead on government law* uncovered, with the pri- and regulation to form their definition of * mary source of the funds right and wrong. 'Family Values!' said one * reputed to be Anhauser- participant, 'The Government should decide * Busch Corporation, with (cont. pg 2) * (cont. pg 5) 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718 From: Albertus Magnus Area: Metaphysical To: All 20 Aug 94 17:50:48 Subject: News, 2 of 7 UpdReq ************************************************************************ Morning Edition * ******* ******* ******* * Price: 35* sections * * * * * Weather: Headlines - A * * HE * OMMOROW * IMES * Partly Local - B * * * * * Sunny & Sports - C * * Cold Obit's - D * "All the news that's printed to fit..." *Jan 07 1997 ************************************************************************ BLUMFWANGER ASSUMES PRESIDENTIAL HELM * DRUG TESTING MANDATORY Inauguration ceremonies 'a blast' * Felony to test positive * (AP) The new president assumes the post in a* (UPI) The US Congress showy, Madison-Avenue-type live telecast * passed a law making any after resoundingly defeating Bill Clinton. * positive drug test to be The Republican president vowed to restore* introduced as evidence in order 'whatever it takes' in areas gripped * criminal court. Mandatory by crime. Additionally, Blumfwanger swore he* tests for all civilians would escalate the War on Drugs (now in its'* (cont. pg 11) 17th year, with no appreciable results) to *************************** record proportions. * CONVICTS TO PAY FOR JAIL Speaking to the crowded throngs of young,* 'Enough freeloaders':Soms right-wing Republicans, Blumfwanger said, * 'Let every sick marijuana smoker be put on * (AP) Secretary of Jails alert: Something evil your way comes! I will* & Incarceration Joe Soms do everything, including summary executions,* signed into law new regu- to rid America of each and every drug user * lations forcing convicts and drug pusher!' In the address, President * to pay $50,000 per year Blumfwanger also swore he would increase the* for every year they arein powers enjoyed by police, and form a special* jail. 'If they can't pay squad of 'Lightning Strike' shock troops who* when released, back into possessed police powers. 'I guarantee one * jail for them!'said Soms, thing: These police powers will make freedom* 'Enough of this freeload- (cont. pg 2) * (cont. pg 8) 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718 From: Albertus Magnus Area: Metaphysical To: All 20 Aug 94 17:51:20 Subject: News, 3 of 7 UpdReq ************************************************************************ Morning Edition * ******* ******* ******* * Price: 45* sections * * * * * Weather: Headlines - A * * HE * OMMOROW * IMES * Partly Local - B * * * * * Cloudy & Sports - C * * Cool Obit's - D,E * "All the news that's printed to fit..." *May 07 1997 ************************************************************************ DRUG WAR PICKING UP STEAM; 876,000 HIRED * GUN BANS THE ANSWER: HCI Enforcement offices popping up everywhere * 'Confiscate the iron!' * (AP) True to Blumfwangers promise, billions * (UPI) Handgun Control Inc are being poured into the War on Drugs. The * again renewed its cry for IRS announced a 3% across-the-board tax to * a complete gun ban. specifically fund this program. * 'People know that its While no appreciable decrease in drug use* GUNS that kill,not any so or sales has been observed by experts, the * called criminals,' said prison population has almost quadrupled in * (cont. pg 12) comparison to 1992 levels. *************************** 'We have not yet begun to fight,' said * DEATH PENALTY FOR ABRTION Blumfwanger, as he delivered his speech to * Blumfwanger applauds law the a crowd in Topeka, Kansas. While aids * were concerned for the Presidents' health, * (AP) From July 1st on,any since his face was red with rage, doctors on* woman found guilty of the scene said the President was fine. On * having an abortion may be several occasions, the speech was drowned * sentenced to death. out by the chanting of the Republican loyal-* 'There shall be no more ists. * killing,' vowed Rep. Newt Funds have been made available by the * Gingrich, 'The act of government for the hiring of more than a * abortion is a treasonous quarter million drug enforcement agents. * act. No punishment is too Across the country, over 1,251 offices have * great for these harlots (cont. pg 2) * (cont. pg 8) 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718 From: Albertus Magnus Area: Metaphysical To: All 20 Aug 94 17:51:54 Subject: News, 4 of 7 UpdReq ************************************************************************ Morning Edition * ******* ******* ******* * Price: 45* sections * * * * * Weather: Headlines - A * * HE * OMMOROW * IMES * Cloudy Local - B * * * * * & Sports - C * * Cool Obit's- D,E,F * "All the news that's printed to fit..." *Oct 19 1997 ************************************************************************ GUNS BANNED: HOUSE TO HOUSE SEARCHES NEXT * PRISON POPULATION SOARS Handgun Control Inc. celebrating victory * 1 of each 10,000 people * (AP) Firearm ownership is now a Federal * (UPI) In the nationwide offense. All firearms, from single shot .22s* crackdown on crime, one and semi-automatic rifles to handguns, are * business flourishes: now considered contraband. * incarceration. 'Now that 'Owners have 48 hours from November 1st * criminals pay for jail, to turn in any and all firearms at any law * its' almost profitable to enforcement office,' said FBI chief Mike * (cont. pg 13) Grabber. 'There is no legitimate reason for *************************** any American to own a gun'. * HOMOSEXUALITY A CRIME The NRA is being investigated by the IRS * Blumfwanger applauds law and the FBI for fraud and 'political pres- * suring'. The NRA, while livid over the * (AP) Homosexuality, once collapse of the 2nd Amendment, is far too * considered a sexual life- busy defending itself against renewed legal * style of 10% of people attacks by various federal agencies to issue* is now a Federal Offense. a statement over the new ruling. * 'Its a class A felony- 'If any citizen is found with a gun after* equivalent to premeditatd November 3rd, they will be guilty of a class* murder,'said the Attorney A felony - equivalent to premeditated * General Tersely Hemmor- murder,' said Attorney General Tersely * rhoidal. 'These fag boys Hemorrhoidal. 'We will throw the book at * better understand we mean (cont. pg 2) * (cont. pg 9) 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718 From: Albertus Magnus Area: Metaphysical To: All 20 Aug 94 17:52:22 Subject: News, 5 of 7 UpdReq ************************************************************************ Morning Edition * ******* ******* ******* * Price: 45* sections * * * * * Weather: Headlines - A * * HE * OMMOROW * IMES * Blizzard Local - B * * * * * & Sports - C * * Frigid Obit's- D,E,F * "All the news that's printed to fit..." *Feb 2, 1998 ************************************************************************ S P E C I A L E D I T I O N PRESIDENT SCRAPS ELECTIONS; DECLARES MARTIAL LAW Says Election Process Cumbersome, Unfair (AP) At 8:00PMEST, the President went on national network TV to declare the Constitution 'null and void' since, as he puts it, 'the document is over 200 years old and needs a complete reworking. All this Rights crap in it, how unlike American ideals!'. President Blumfwanger went on to declare elections 'cumbersome, unfair and archaic governmental policy, subject to fraud.' and promised to have a new system drawn up to replace it in 6 to 10 years. The President promised not to abandon his post until the new system is in effect and tested. Some groups have protested Blumfwangers' moves, but have been silenced by military or police units in the effort to maintain public order. Advance army units and Marine divisions have been mobilized tonight throughout the entire United States to prevent civil disorder during, as the President put it, 'this Shining Moment in the history of our fine land, when finally the gridlock and paralysis in government today can be swept aside. The American people have demanded a more efficient system - and I, your imperious leader, shall deliver one.' The full text of Leader Blumfwangers' speech may be found on page 2. Most Congressional and Senatorial representatives cannot be found fo comment tonight, and there are rumors of some unfortunate accidents involving a contingent of representatives from Utah, California, New York and New Jersey among others. But their disappearance may be a moot point, since Congress and the Senate will be disbanded in a few months in favor of the Blumfwanger Plan. 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718 From: Albertus Magnus Area: Metaphysical To: All 20 Aug 94 17:52:54 Subject: News, 6 of 7 UpdReq ************************************************************************ Morning Edition * ******* ******* ******* * Price: 45* sections * * * * * Weather: Headlines - A * * HE * OMMOROW * IMES * Scary Local - B * * * * * & Sports - C * * Ominous Obit's- D,E,F * "All the news that's printed to fit..." *Feb 7, 1998 ************************************************************************ S P E C I A L E D I T I O N THIS NEWSPAPER SAYS *NO* TO THE BLUMFWANGER PLAN! Fascism is upon us, says our Editor It is the position of this newspaper that we are now in the clutches of a fascist takeover. It started innocently enough: A War on Drugs,and a war on crime. But the purposes have changed:Or have they? Perhaps the dilution of our rights was the goal all along. Whatever the path, our present position is clear. We are stripped of our Constitution, and now disarmed, we are unable to resist in any meaningful way. But there MUST be a way, we MUST fight the new Nazis. We urge each an every able bodied person to take up arms. If you have a hidden cache of weapons, NOW is the time to use them. If you have gunsmithing skills, then use them.Do everything possible to resist Blumfwanger... now is our most desperate hour! We at The Tommorrow Times are taking very grave risks by publishing this Special Edition, but we are compelled to do SOMEthing. If we can even alert a few individuals to what has happened, then when we are hunted down, we can at least face our Maker with a clean conscience. (cont. pg 2) 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718 From: Albertus Magnus Area: Metaphysical To: All 20 Aug 94 17:55:22 Subject: News, 7 of 7 UpdReq ************************************************************************ Morning Edition * ******* ******* ******* * Price: 7 sections * * * * *Deutchmarks Headlines - A * * HE * OMMOROW * IMES * Weather: Local - B * * * * * BEAUTFUL! Sports - C * * Obit's - None * **** UNDER *** NEW *** MANAGEMENT **** *Feb 8, 1998 ************************************************************************ BIRDS ARE BEAUTIFUL CREATURES: GET ONE * CLOUDS ARE BEAUTIFUL A pet bird is a wonderful thing to have * Shapes are 'tantalizing' * (AP) 'It has been found that owning a bird * (UPI) If you are very can relax you,' says Director of Leisure * perceptive, you can Jim Happy. 'Studies show remarkable blood- * actually make out shapes pressure reductions in those persons who * you can recognize in some own one. I recommend the finch or even (if * cloud formations.They can you are daring) a budgie.' * range from animals to The nice thing about birds is that they * (cont. pg 3) are easy to keep, cheap to feed, and require*************************** very little attention. And in this day and * BLUMFWANGERS FAVE:VANILLA age, when we have so many things we must do * Likes neapolitan too to help the State, who has time for a cat or* dog? * (AP) In a shocking press Our Wonderful President, Blumfwanger, * release, President Blumf- even has a parakeet of his own! It is so * wanger told assembled nice to know The Honored and Revered Blumf- * reporters that the rumor wanger has a human caring side, as if there * he likes strawberry ice was any doubt! Many pet store owners are * cream were 'all damned stocking up on parakeets, knowing that if * lies! I like vanilla!' President owns one, that there will be a * He did however, let every rush on the bird, as people seek to emulate * reporter know tht he also the man who is revered across America. * liked neapolitan as well (cont. pg 2) * (cont. pg 4) 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718 From: StarChild Area: Metaphysical To: Cheri Andrews 20 Aug 94 11:09:24 Subject: hello UpdReq Hello Cheri! CA> /What is the charge of the Wombat Wiccan? Sounds...interesting. Ditto! :) BB! Ed 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718 From: StarChild Area: Metaphysical To: Paul Seymour 20 Aug 94 11:10:30 Subject: article (6 of 12) UpdReq Hello Paul! PS>> THE FINER POINTS OF RITUAL: PS>> A Comparative Approach to PS>> Liturgical History, Theology and Design PS>> ======================================= PS>> A Heartland Pagan Festival Keynote Address PS>> by Mike Nichols PS>> (Part 6 of 12) When did you post this?? Is it possible for you to post it again, or to send by netmail? BB! Ed 201434369420143436942014343694201434369420143436942014343694718