From:    Christeos Pir                          Area: Metaphysical
To:      All                                     1 Mar 94 04:04:02
Subject: What The. . .                          UpdReq 

                            WHAT THE. . . ?
                     The News You Can't Do Without.
        No. 4                                   03/94 e.v.
SHORT ON CASH? COULD YOU USE            A CALIFORNIA MAN WHO HIT 18
$5000,000? All you have to do           VEHICLES and caused a dozen
is prove the existence of the           injuries in only a two-and-
Loch Ness Monster. So far               a-half mile stretch of highway,
there have been some 4,000              claimed that God had told him
alleged sightings, but no               he could drive through cars.
proof.
                                        AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN
                                        CALIFORNIA had to be evacuated
STOP, YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART,         after a homemade bomb was
PART ONE. A robber in Colorado          planted by a 10-year-old boy.
picked the wrong restaurant to          He said he learned how to make
hold up. It was bad enough that         explosives by watching tele-
the manager grabbed the gun out         vision. Meanwhile, a Junior
of his hand. It was even worse          High teacher was poisoned with
that five customers chased him          a cup of coffee laced with rat
down when he ran away. But the          poison. A 9th grader is charged.
final insult was when all six
of them sat on him until the
police arrived. Now he's com-           THE WIDOW OF AN OREGON MAN HAS
plaining of back pains. Someone         gone to court to fight for the
bring me a hankie.                      right to follow his last wish.
                                        His will directed that his body
                                        "...be skinned from the head
STOP, YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART,         down and tanned for the purpose
PART TWO. Police in the city of         of face binding volumes of my
Chita, Siberia, are upset. Seems        verse." When the mortician balk-
the cheap rubber nightsticks            ed, his widow went to the courts
they've been using are defective        for help in enforcing the will.
and keep breaking at "critical
moments." Why don't we just send
them some of those Colorado             NO COMMENT DEPARTMENT: A Texas
restaurant patrons?                     court has ruled that there's no
                                        reason why some woman couldn't
                                        name her daughter:
SPEAKING OF TAKING THE LAW IN           Rhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshen-
YOUR OWN HANDS, some burglars           kescianneshaimondrischlyndasacc-
got more than they bargained            arnaerenquellenendrasamecashaun-
for when they broke into a              ettethalemeicoleshiwhalhineve'o-
French monastery. The armed and         nchellecaundenesheaalausondrily-
ready monks engaged the bandits         nnejeanetrimvranaekuesaundrilyn-
in a running gun battle. The            nezekeriakenvaunetradevonneyano-
robbers eventually got away             ndalatarneskcaevontaepreonkeine-
-emptyhanded- after one gun-            sceellaviavelzadawnefriendsetta-
wielding monk was carried away          jessicannelesciajoyvaelloydiett-
with more than 200 shotgun              eyvettesparklenesceaundrieaquen-
pellets in his leg. Praise the          ttaekatilyaevea'shauwneoraliaev-
Lord and pass the ammunition!           aekizzieshiyjuanewandaleccianne-
                                        renaveitheliapreciousnesceverro-
                                        neccaloveiatyronevekacarrionneh-
ALONG WITH THE REGISTERED CAN-          enriettaescecleonpatrarutheliac-
DIDATES in the 1990 elections,          harsalynnmeokcamonaeloiesalynne-
there were a lot of write-ins;          csiannemerciadellesciacustillap-
among them were some names you          arissalondonveshadenequamonecaa-
might recognize. Apparently,            lexetiozetiaquaniaenglaundneshi-
voters in Montgomery County,            afrancethosharomeshaunnehawaine-
Maryland, felt that Mickey              akowethauandavernellchishankcar-
Mouse and Saddam Hussein could          linaaddoneillesciachristondrafa-
do at least as good a job as the        wndrealaotrelleoctavionnemiaria-
other candidates. Ballots were          sarahtashabnequckagailenaxetesh-
also cast for Donald Duck, Bart         iataharadaponsadeloriakoentesca-
Simpson, Santa Claus, and "None         craigneckadellanierstellavonnem-
of the above."                          yiatangoneshiadianacorvettinago-
                                        dtawndrashirlenescekilokoneyash-
                                        arrontannamyantoniaaquinetteseq-
GUESS THAT'S ALL FOR THIS ISSUE.        uioadaurilessiaquatandamerceddi-
Next month we'll take on the            amaebellecescajamesauwneltomeca-
churches... don't miss it!              polotyoajohnyaetheororadilcyana-
                                        koyaanisqatsiuthawuhaiashieakha-
                                        uwnne Williams. Try THAT one ten
     - Christeos Pir                    times in a row!
 ... For if thou dost not this with thy will,

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From:    Khadir                                 Area: Metaphysical
To:      All                                    26 Feb 94 05:23:02
Subject: Zelator's                              UpdReq 

Zalator's now has all the merchandise for your metaphysical
needs:  Akashic tapes and CDs, astral travel luggage, 
channeling booths, crystal toothbrushes tuned to the throat
chakra, organic tofu, meditatation pants, past-life karma
recycling center, prayer-wheel pencil sharpners, pyramid
automobiles, UFO pregnancy test kits and more...Come pay us
a visit or E-mail above for directions. Chant our name backwards
and a catalog will be in the mail as soon as the vibrations are 
received.
... ZenCrafters: Total Enlightenment, in about an hour.


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