**NOTES** Practically the whole of 7=4 working 1906 Tery?-Yunan Fu Kammia at Bhanno? & to Teu????, the horse-accident ;txt February 9th. About this full moon Consciousness began to break through Ruach into Neschamah. 11th. Made many resolutions of a G.R. In dream flew to me an Angel, bearing an Ankh, to encourage me. 12th. Continuing these Resolutions. z 13th. Continuing these resolutions. Read through Goetia etc. etc. 14th. Thoughts of the A;. Having a swollen gland, and fears thereof, I asked A;. to remove that fear. (Throat glands) 15th. Again thoughts of A;. Knowing the Invocation by heart will repeat same daily. My fear removed. 16th. A;. 17th. A;. though unwell. 18th. A;. though ill. 19th. A;. some vision with I;. 20th. A;. ltin A.M. disturbed. in P.M. rather good. ;xi 21st. A;. ltin A.M. with M;.C;.;r good. in P.M. disturbed by drugs and diarrhea. A weird effect. ;xi 22nd. A;. ltin A.M. poor (ill) in P.M. poor (sleepy) ;xi 23rd. A;. ltin A.M. poor. in P.M. rather good. 1906??? Tery-Yummm? ??? Kammia at Bhanno? & to Teu????, the horse-accident ;txt February 9th. About this full moon Consciousness began to break through Ruach into Neschamah. 11th. Made many resolutions of a G.R. In dream flew to me an Angel, bearing an Ankh, to encourage me. 12th. Continuing these Resolutions. 13th. Continuing these resolutions. Read through Goetia etc. etc. 14th. Thoughts of the A;. Having a swollen gland, and fears thereof, I asked A;. to remove that fear. (Throat glands) 15th. Again thoughts of A;. Knowing the Invocation by heart will repeat same daily. My fear removed. 16th. A;. 17th. A;. though unwell. 18th. A;. though ill. 19th. A;. some vision with I;. 20th. A;. ltin A.M. disturbed. in P.M. rather good. ;xi 21st. A;. ltin A.M. with M;.C;.;r good. in P.M. disturbed by drugs and diarrhoea. A wierd effect. ;xi 22nd. A;. ltin A.M. poor (ill) in P.M. poor (sleepy) ;xi 23rd. A;. ltin A.M. poor. in P.M. rather good. ;xi 24th. A;. ltin A.M. pretty good. in P.M. just on the point of being good. ;xi **NOTE arr Yunan Fu** 25th. A;. ltin A.M. mediocre. ;xi **NOTE Invocation in Goetie? Qy? Are all these troubles in China due to A;. devils? I as A for ``a sufficient measure of protection.'' Like an instant's reply come Wilkinson's letter settling up things. 26th. A;. ltsleepy (Baby ill) ;xi 27th. A;. ltrather good. A.M. disturbed. P.M. ;xi;q 28th. A;. ltomitted through forgetful folly. in P.M. penitent but sleepy. ;xi March. 1st. A;. penitent and fair. A;. good; but should do new ;st ritual before and after, to make a ;su ??? ;xi 2nd. New A;. very difficult (walking on cobbles) 3rd. A;. difficult. (walking) 4th. A;. difficult: walking and very tired. 5th. A;. better but not good. 6th. A;. better. 7th. A;. still better. 8th. A;. really very good. [...] ditto. in P.M. (Smooth sandy road perhaps helped) 9th. A;. very poor (horseback, slippery wet road and cobbles) 10th. A;. good considering (horseback) 11th. A;. poor (evil thoughts) 12th. A;. unconcentrated. 13th. A;. literally against my own will. beneath contempt. Qy? Effect of ease etc? 14th. A;. still very bad -- a shade better. 15th. A;. still poor (Rain, wind, loose, mud, cobbles) 16th. A;. a shade better (in chair) 17th. A;. slowly improving. (boat) 18th. A;. (nearly forgotten, in open night) rather good. After *** 19th. A;. mediocre (train) 20th. A;. a bit better. 21st. A;. about the same. 22nd. A;. bad (sleepy -- seasick) 23rd. A;. better. Magnificent Fata Morgana; Shipping etc upside down in air above itself. Qy? a sign for me? A night of shocking and terrible nightmare. 24th. A;. agai a shade better. 25th. A;. Good. Vision more convincing. 26th. A;. Still good: Very little doubt about the likeness of the A;. to El Istar. 27th. A;. poor. (heavy sea) 28th. A;. again poor (heavy sea) 29th. A;. poor (indigestion -- in bath) 30th. A;. Good: very good. Be very careful, though Nature speak well and wisely, not to let it dominate A;. This day was rendered blessed by the letter of El. Istar to me, saying all, and saying it in the best way. 31st. A;. fairly good. April. 1st. A;. poor -- sleepy. 2nd. A;. again poor, spite of two attempts. 3rd. A;. mediocre. Left Hong Kong per S.S. ''Nippon Maru'' at 4.30 P.M. 4th. I foolishly and wickedly put off A;. work all day: now it is 1 A.M. of the 5th. By foolish I mean contrary to my interest and hope in A;. By wicked I mean contrary to my will. I further allowed myself to talk and play cards: the latter I must do again to-morrow, for I won; as to the former, I pledge myself to speak only the necessary speech of courtesy.;q. A;. goodish: lengthy and reverie-like. Yet my heart is well. I spake it audibly. 5th. Am a bit slack about pledge; tried to retain.....in talk. A;. Vocalized, goodish. Knocked sideways by malaria; a sharp attack of shivering. 6th. At Shanghai. Calling on A, and waiting, did A;.I;.; very ethereal. Met A. and all went well. 7th. Explaining the Position to A. Bowled clean over by fever; spent P.M. in bed drunk with Dover's powder. Quite sufficiently ill to excuse slackness: e.g. I could not even read a light novel. 8th. Feeble in A.M. Tiffin and tea with W.S. Dinner with German Postmaster and poker. Oh Lord, how long? A;. nevertheless pretty good for concentration and sincerity; not notable for result. I think I had better begin to renounce idle things, save where politeness calls and calls loud. If I take life too easy, the G.R. will be harder: on the other hand an asceticism to no instant purpose may exhaust me for the struggle when it comes. One of those rare cases where a golden mean looks well. 9th. Went over to A. to stay. Talked a bit of past results and their conclusion in A;. A;. at night good; considerable strain in ether. 10th. A;. no good. (At night, rather tired) 11th. Trying to arrange passage, business etc. W. promised me change for a cheque or bill; in evening went back on it. We shall see. Archibald Little dined: a nice old man, with sensible views. A;. very bad indeed; worried by business. A. has secrets from me; not good enough for working together. 12th. A. somewhat more sensible; A;. better, but sleepy. Not by any means good;r, but more impersonal. Finished Blossom and Fruit: edified. Note;r: Wrote R. to effect that I leant no more on anyone. But this would not excuse any lowering of A. relations, though it would justify their abandonment. 13th. Did a Tarot for A. Kicking her shoes away, quite gently, they flew incontinently though the air -- a really good miracle. A;. sleepy -- in fact dropped off. 14th. A;. mediocre. The Op;. of Abramelin being due to commence on Easter Sunday, methinks it would be well to make a certain profound conjuration of A;. on that day with a view to acquiring a proper knowledge of the G. R. The A;. should be definitely invoked for this purpose with all possible ceremony. Is it not written `Unto whosoever shall draw nigh unto Me will I draw nigh'? And, as I have proved, the help of A;. is already given as if the O;. were successfully brought to an end. Only can this right be forfeited by slackness toward the O;. From this then, O Holy Exalted One, preserve me! 15th. A;. rather better. 16th. A. even kinder. A;. ??? above average; but little convincing. It should be observed that on all these days are many thoughts of A;. Yet the record is only of the Ex Voto Invocation. 17th. Aleister and El Ain Kiss. ??? l ``Ere Sol in Aries make bright spring weather Eight Star and Six Star shall have kissed together.'' ;xi And spring also is a month late. Got Yi King from Club and analysed it. Attribution of the 6 lines still puzzles me. A;. about the same; but dropped off to sleep at end. 18th. Studying Liber Legis: decide to ask A. to invoke Aiwass, or converse with him when invoked, and thereby to decide on the quality of that magic. A. very careful to avoid the `physical' or to refer to the Compact. This I honestly think a mistake, though doubtless one on the right side. A;. much better. Will go to sleep in vision. The result curious, and though I cannot at all remember, I know it was thinking of A;. in some way. ***NOTE*** Dec.31. Yes: but it is the puritan A.C. who is wrong in not frankly wooing Elaine, A.B. a man and saying It is right, because I will it. 19th. Did a Tarot for Mr Volker re a theft. ***NOTE*** Used my own cards. And why? So as to affirm unselfishness in my A;. aspirations. A. unwell: therefore Aiwass postponed. A;. fair. After results again`vaguely magnificient -- memory seems quite in vain. ***NOTE*** Turned out to be not a theft, but a mislaying. Result showed Querent with no loss of repute, and the goods recovered; yet nobody else was in trouble. Considering that the question was ill stated, this is a very fine reading. But I must not feel gratified, save for the relief to Volker's mind. 20th.??? A;.I;. with A. in her temple. Aiwass invoked appears, of brilliant blue as when she saw him as guardian of my sleep. He has followed me ever, wishing me to follow his cult. When A. took wand, he grows brilliant and breaks up into a formless light: yet she feels him as an enemy. He seems entangled in a mesh of light and to be trying to escape. I warn him that if he goes away he cannot return. (A. in herself is hostile) ``Return to Egypt, with different surroundings (This misheard: he said same;r) There I will give thee signs. Go with the S.W.;r this is essential: thus you shall get real power, that of God, the only one worth having. Illumination shall come by means of power, pari passu. Live in Egypt as you did before. Do not do a G.R. Go at once to Egypt: money troubles will be settled more easily than you think now. I will give you no guarantee of my truth.'' He here turned blue-black. ``I am loath to part from you. Do not take A. I do not like the relations between you; break them off! If not, you must follow other Gods. Yet I would wish you to love physically, to make perfect the circle of your union. A. will not do so, therefore she is useless. If she did, she would become useful. You have erred in showing her the true relation between you on spiritual planes. Having burst that, she will remain by her sense of power over you (?) She is spiritually stronger that you. You should have dominated her by your superior strength on other planes. She will give you much trouble though eventually she may become a great aid. But your shorter path lies by Egypt and S.W. though she is not spiritually your equal. S.W. has become your enemy; but you having con|quered, she is bound to aid you as you will. She has been your enemy and that of A. but you returned her hatred, hence her seeming power over you in the present. (Qy. this hearing) I will give you a sign when alone and away from present medium. You must recognize the sign by your own intuition. Do not part from S.W. Use her. (Here S.W. appears with an evil look. She glitters like a jewelled serpent. Strange bands of light scintillate between her and Aiwass. A. now takes wand again: still feels animity on spiritual planes. Aiwass banished; S.W. has disappeared. A. tries to speak to A;.: He wants G.R.: ***NOTE*** does not mind whether S.W. is with me or not; but I should use Brahmacharya (? if with her, or anyhow) I shall be guided as things turn up, as to the truth or falsehood of Aiwass, who is not to be altogeter distrusted (I think the opposition is Aiwass limitation as a servant) A;. will give us a sign: A's freedom. (I reply that if this comes about in a miraculous manner, well and good) Close. 21st. ;su entered ;ta Opened T: with A;.I;. asking for special aid in -- what follows. Possibly [...] spoilt it all. A. finds the Nuit ring good: hence probably her hostility yesterday was due to lower self. I;. of R.H.K. gives glorious material flashes of light, akasic and lilac. The God, beheld, will not speak. Asked for a messenger, Aiwass appears. A. suspecting him, puts a ;hbrg;r on him; he blurs and becomes dirty and discrowned. A. takes wand; but this dissipates him. His real name she says is ;hbrynarach;r (270=INRI) A. uses ***ART*** and shrivels him to a black charred mass. I ask her to invoke something genuine; a white figure without a face and with little shape mounts throne. It has a glittering rayed corona. Says: ``I am the God of Vengeance. I am thy Guardian Angel. I would have thee seek thine own soul in silence and alone. Take no aid with thee: take no mortal soul but retire away and depart from mankind.'' ;hbrg;r makes him brighter: he grows firmer. Repeated, form vanishes and only brightness remains. Asked for a sign or his name ;hbrta;r is written on throne. ``I will give no other signs: you must learn to trust your own intuition.'' A's intuition tells her that he is genuine. As to our relations, he wishes us to work together (A contradiction very supra) ``I do not wish you to go too far in work with S.W. She will dazzle you and be apt to lead you astray. You must always remain as armed when you work with her, as a man in full armour. I could wish you to strengthen the link between you and A. on all planes. You are very needful to each other, and can only accomplish G.W. together. (This clearly OO'' I take wand and curse him by Him whom he hath blasphemed, invoking, however, A;. The light becomes more brilliant. To V.N. it disappears here. Voice continues: ``You must go and do a G.R. after which you shall get a sign'' (Clearly due to A. knowing my wish; but he is clumsy. Will anything now convince A? I take serious measures to banish all but A;. Voice silenced: and she doubts if voice is from brilliance. A. feels me absolutely necessary for her. I not. Voice is from her;r so cannot be banished and it goes on:) ``There shall be short period of work? not;r? done in actual unison; after which your powers join irrevocably together. There is no escape from that; you are bound to work together; and the fitting time and hour for this shall come simultaneously to you both. There will then be no doubt in either of your minds: there will be no obstacle to this union....you must look towards this time and towards a beacon light. Never lose sight of that, You and O.M. will meet with subtle temptation from this object -- promises of great power and illumination; but heed them not. A. is your true helper from whom you have right to look and demand help. You must never cease to demand this aid, and by your demand strengthen and aid your comrade. I your Guardian Angel tell you this.'' (The falsity of all this patent more at the time than now -- I foresaw what follows) I ask for proof that he is;r Guardian Angel -- it is clear that Voice and Brilliance are distinct. A. however feels that this rigmarole is true. Hence we discuss our relations and the Great Invocation degenerates. This however is checked by my will and her own feeling that we have done enough for honour. I am not exhausted after all this, as I was yesterday. Is this a proof that all is Right Magic, or that little force was expended? Where am I, in fact? O Holy Exalted One, do Thou illuminate my mind! 22nd. Feeling sick -- in bed all day. No regular A;.I;. in consequence, but much concentrated thought. It seems to me that all the Shanghai experience bar Easter Day should be veglected as a morbid dream; merely because I am not alone.X It seems natural and easy that this should be. I think also I should write to A. explaining how the whole experience has been an ordeal, that she has come through it successfully both in the advance to ;ve and the suspense of that advance; but that the principle of clinging to me, unconsciously there has ruined her clairvoyance, and rotted up her magic. Having won me, let her now lose me! As for me I will go on as if I had never landed. X Dec.31. same old double game: fear its spring. 23rd. Arrived Nagasaki about 5 p.m. Wrote remarks opposite: they seem quite obviously right, as if thereby all lucidity and [...] were attained, all doubt swept away. Wrote to A. to effect above, now, however, insisting on my own independence of her. A;. fair to good. Asked A;. for sufficient health on voyage to do A;.I;. properly (Granted) Went off to sleep after this. 24th. Arrived Kobe at 5 p.m. -- 24 hours sail. Wrote to S.W. with some reserve, of course utterly concealing both A;. and A. ***NOTE important*** Qy? Could I use Aiwass to help me with A;.I;.? I should think yes: I ought to use every power I have. A;. fair only; though I invoked all these powers of mine. Yet, after, by a strong effort of will, I banished my sore throat and my surroundings and went up in Astral Body. Reached a room, in which a table was spread *** thus, a naked man being nailed there to. Many venerable men sat around, feasting on his living flesh and quaffing his hot blood. There (I was told) were the adepts whom I might one day join. This I understood to mean that I should get the power of taking only spiritual nourishment -- but probably it means much more than this. Next I came into an apparently empty hall, all being in white ivory, worked in filigree, as the Chinese do. ***NOTE variations*** A square slim altar was in the midst. I seemed to be questioned as to what I would sacrifice on that altar. I offered all save my will to know A;. that I would only exchange for its own realization. I now became conscious of vast God-forms of Egypt sitting, so vast I could only see their knees. ``Would not knowledge of the Gods suffice.'' No! said I. It was then pointed out that I was being critical i.e. rationalistic and made to see that A;. was not fashioned in my image. Necessarily, that is. I apologized, and knelt at altar, placing my hands on it, right over left. Then One human, white, self-shining (my idea after all) came forth and put his hands over mine, saying `I receive thee into the Order of the Silver Star' Then, with advice to return, I sank back to earth in a cradle of flame. 25th. N.B. Yesterday's vision a real illumination, since it showed me an obvious mistake which yet I had utterly failed to see. The word in my Kamma-work was A;. and the method `invoking often;r! Therefore a Self-glittering One, whether my conscience approves or not,, whether my desires fit or not, is to be my guide. I am to invoke often, not to criticize. Am I to lose my grade of 7;de = 4;de ? I cannot go wrong, for I am the Chosen One: that is the very postulate of the whole Work. This boat carries Caesar and his fortunes. Left Kobe at noon. A;. fair to good; but attention wandered after I;. Suggestion of fasts to aid. 26th. Arrived Yokohama 11 A.M. 23 hours? sail. A;. fair. am convinced I did not go to sleep; yet the ed is completely veiled from memory (now 3 A.M. 27th) 27th. Left Yokohama 12 noon. A;. fearing motion would disturb me rather poor: yet a certain clarity of vision of a White One like on 25th. Feeling seedy at night 28th. A;. poor; my bodily health imperfect still, yet great clarity of vision in the matter of the Pentagrams. 29th. A;. The same thing happens every time. The mechanical part of the I;. is kept too easily; but I fall instantly into a dull reverie or even slumber. This has nothing pleasant or alluring; is curiously impersonal and bewildering. 30th. A;. exactly the same as yesterday. Will repeat. It has struck me -- in connection with reading Blake, that Aiwass etc. = Force and Fire; the very thing I do lack and that my `conscience' is really an obstacle and a delusion, being a survival of heredity or education. certainly to rely on it as on an abiding principle in oneself is wrong. Further considerations in favour of Aiwass: ;grkapw;r seemed to indicate him. Any suspicious remarks of his perhaps due to A. conneting him with S.W. I think his repeated `Go to Egypt! The one really important thig is the fundamental hypothesis -- I am the Chosen One. All methods will do, if I only `invoke often;r' i.e. stick to it. Ritual given by Aiwass -- see `Work' book; also determined -- house in Egypt, dates etc. A;.I;. repeated. Very good and lucid. A;. approves of house in Egypt, ritual, &c.&. No tendency to sleep or reverie; or hardly any, not more than a momentary wandering of thought. May 1st. A;. fair. No tendency to sleep. The O;. is a great test of faith and will; not at all of wit. Just what I have always lacked. Note. This A;. at night, under bad conditions. I may believe that yesterday's resolution (in doubling I;. because of sleep in the A.M.) has broken the force of Tamas, if only for the moment. Yesterday's ;st attribution clearly right ;we is the divine force drawing nigh to man: ;fe the human flame aspiring. Nuit and Hadit are = and opposite: the Two kinds of nothing. 0;de vide Berashith. Hence Ra-Hoor-Khuit the resulting Universe. 2nd. Working at comment on Liber Legis with (as usual) lamentably little result. I thik that I could do it in Egypt. I worked hard;r and nearly all day: only result a little light on A;. good considering I was excessively tired. ;me The day to which I sacrifice the other days. A;. good -- vision like the milky way in texture. A fine epithet for A;. would be ``O thou whose body is the mother-milk of the Starry One! (viz Nuit)'' I think I should reserve to myself the option of doing a Dead ??? as originally arranged. R's attitude, condition etc. should be allowed weight. Saw this month's moon for the first time. 3rd. Work out the new ritual and copy it fair. Did so. A;. mediocre. 4th. A;. very energetic on my part, intensely so, better perhaps thanever before. However (or perhaps because) there was little vision. Indeed, this work of A;. requires the Adept to assume the woman's part: to log for her bridegroom, it may be, and to be ever ready to receive his kiss; but not to pursue openly and to use as it were force. Yet the K;. of H;. suffereth violence; may it not be, though, that such violence should be used in order to attain that passive state? And of course, to shut out all rivals? Help me, thou Holy One, even in this; for all my strength is weak as water, and I am but a dog. Help me, O Self-Glittering One! draw nigh to me in sleep and in waking, and let me ever be as a wise virgin, and expect thy coming with a lamp of oil of holiness and beauty! Hail, beautiful and Strong One! I desire thy kisses more than life or death. 5th. A;. medium; but apparently I went off to sleep before writing it up. Note. A seance was going on about this time. I sincerely hope this had nothing to do with the sleep. 6th. A;. tired and excited, yet with great resolution. Vision good. Aimed at passive. No subsequent result. 7th. A;. good, starry effect concentrating into a brilliant moonlight in E's body. 8th. A;. same effect as yesterday, but a wandering mind. 9th. A;. poor. 10th. A;. poor -- am really worn out. Asked for exceptional vigour and courage and health in N.Y. so as to get my business through. Granted -- did all business but the Kangchen scheme in 1 day. Most amply granted. Bar the one day's fever, on a Sunday when in no case could I work, I was boiling over with energy the whole time. 11th. A;. better -- much reverie. Vision nt acute. 12th. A;. not bad. An attempt to `rise on planes' (;fe of ;ae) spoilt by fatigue. 13th. Purposely rapid. Yet restful. 14th. A;. sleepy (I am by no means recovered from the fatigues of this damned journey). 15th. A;. mediocre and unwilling. 16th. A;. better but sleepy. I must really buck up. 17th. A;. better, but suffering from the cares of this world &c. 18th. A;. The usual thing -- I forget all about it till late; or at least put it off. A man cannot serve two masters. I began A;. then deliberately stopped, as it was a farce. I appoint Sunday from waking to sleeping as a day of fast and penance from waking to sleeping. (Should I sleep in the day this to conclude penance). Unable -- and unwilling -- to sleep, recommenced A;. Osorronophris = Asar Un -- nefer. And I never saw it till now. This should be a key to all. Paphro? Papur -- papyrus. Un = opener nefer? gates path etc. A;. elaborate and really not bad. 19th. A most oppresive day. A;. gabbled. My throat ached;r and I was just out of a sodden sleep. Thermometer over 96;de. I got a go of heat-exhaustion, which nearly prostrated me. Luckily a smart diarrhoea relieved me. But no ;ve of course. 20th. A;. a shade better -- am still pretty ill. The penance and fast may be moderated if I feel worse for want of food &c. (I carried it out faithfully) 21st. Very tired, very determined, not altogether bad subjectively; but no voice or vision. 22nd. Reading the Hashish-eater, a wonderful book. Sleeping, I got a mild hashish dream! 23rd. A;. at first disturbed -- with resolution better. Vision somewhat, but confused with hashish distortion. That book is clearly bewitched. 24th. A;. in P.M. (3) tired and sleepy. 25th. A;. not so bad though most frightfully tired. 26th. Poor in vision. There has been no good work for a long while. Why? 27th. A;. same as yesterday. Must meditate going to sleep. 28th. A;. got through after an incredible struggle of 11/2 hours. Mostly sleep. Weather close and trying under the Newfoundland banks. 28th. A;. just a shade better. But my cabin is a little hell. 29th. A;. a shade better; but still very poor. 30th. Behaved more as an Agnostic than a Mystic in conversation; not as a blind. This means I am;r more an A. than an M. True, the coversation did not reach the constructive point. Should it ever do so, what shall I do? ***Note Important*** A;. very good indeed. Renewed the terrible vows of this initiation, and was rewarded by the touch of ;hbrp;r to ;hbrp;r O Self-glittering One, be ever with me! Amen. 31st. A;. better than ever yet. Vision quite perfect and I tasted the sweet kiss and gazed in the clear eyes of that radiant one. My own face (I am sure by the feel of the skin) became luminous. June 1st. A;. good but interfered with by fatigue. Used much resolution. 2nd. Arrived Liverpool. Heard of Baby's death by letters from Mother and Uncle Tom. Why did nobody cable me? Arrived London, perfectly stunned. ***NOTE Important*** A;. appropriate in tone, though of course mechanical. I solemnly reaffirmed the O;.***NOTE ath*** of my O;.***NOTE blig*** to perform the O;.***NOTE peration*** offering under these terrible circumstances, all that yet remains. Fortunately X I am quite unable to think of the thing in detail or as a reality. X December 31st. Not fortunately at all. One never;r gets able to do so. Stupor and pangs get to the limit and that limit is easy reached by very partial conceptions of one's loss. 3rd. ***NOTE*** ??? ;ve regarded as on the Tree of Life, including all symbols. Equally expert as the averse ;me but no matter; I have lived through the day. A;. a sad mechanic exercise. 4th. A;. no good; but an idea to ask R. definitely: Will you come and go a G.R. with me now or will you not? Write accordingly to A. 5th. Practically broke down playing billiards. Have drugged myself. A pretty good fight I think. Will go to sleep meditating A;. Lucky Ivor was with me. 6th. Tristan and Isolde -- a failure, either Wagner is a shit or myself dulled beyond waking. I slept right through Overture -- Act II !!!!!!! Did A;. feebly in streets. 7th. Went to Plymouth by 6.30. Arrived 12.5. Did A;. in train. A shade better; and more acquiescence or survival or transcendence -- whichever name you prefer. 8th. Joined R. on S.S. Himalaya. As I supposed I broke down a good deal. Am really too ill to do a regular A;.I;. 9th. Still breaking down at intervals, and staggerig from nervous weakness. Dropping off to sleep at odd times and places. 10th. R. wants to W;. with me: but her nervous state is bad and unreliable so she contradicts. Vain attempts, interrupted by invincible sleep, to do A;.I;. 11th. Still frightfully ill -- sleep and nightmares. A;.I;. again conquered by these though I did my very utmost. 12th. A shade better. A;. I;. in turker not bad considering. 13th. A;. jutile. 14th. A;. a shade better. ***NOTE 15th.*** 16th. Went to sleep during A;. Am still very ill with throat. 17th. A;. better. Throat better. 18th. A;. I;. later for routine -- mediocre. 19th. A;. went to sleep, I fancy. 20th. A;. a shade better. 21st. A;. poor again. There seems little intention;r; perhaps owing to my fears about health and the general uncertainty. 22nd. A;. sleepy but a shade better. 23rd. V;. N;. 7=4 arrived. Talking over the whole A;. situation. Talking over the whole A;. situation. 24th. Continuing A;. discussion, all night. Agreed on that I am to go for my G.R. in some comparatively near spot, within reach of telegraph summons. 25th. Asleep all day, after the strai of Jones' visit. Went to sleep trying to do A;. 26th. ***NOTE I A F (17) IAO*** 27th. Still very bad -- my head aches all over, and my throat. 28th. Still very bad. July 6th. My throat and head still utterly bad -- with this a| R. no work for these days. 7th. Had a Turker and did A;. in it though with great discomfort. 8th. Unto thee Adon-ai do I commit my way. Unto thee the Augoeides, unto thee the Self-glittering one. I put my trust in the power that hath devised me as I am for the achieving of a purpose; the Next Step. A;. rather bad, but done. Being in bed has cured the eternal headache and the throat is much better. 9th. Operation performed with little pain. My display of cowardice may be partly excused by my general nervous break-down, I hope. A;. at night, a shade better. Some slight vision. 10th. A;. at night. Fair only. 11th. A long talk with Jenner-Fust, who, as I supposed, is a mystic of very much my own type. A;. rather reveresque. 12th. Wrote on Eleusis essay and a little verse, possibly suitable for Rosa coeli. Throat very bad. A;. futile. 13th. A;. better (in A.M.) The only time I get for thought is just the goig to sleep and waking. Then I can muse. The English for which is: no more nights in bed with other people. 22nd week of A;. ends. There ought to be a new current tomorrow. 14th. ***NOTE Important a new method*** Avoided;r invoking A;. who might instruct me in Vision after 22 weeks. I am in serious trouble. Place, Method, Time, etc. A wakeful night followed by profound and dreamless sleep. (I had spent much thought on A;.) 15th. Thought a good deal of A;. 16th. Will hink;r, again, not do the formal invocation. 17th. This thinking seems little or no good: but the fault is that the real Crowley is actually not thinking of A;. When he is, the invocation was unnecessary; when he isn't, its' feeble. What am;r I to do? (Should suggest sticking to it) Jones, coming on wednesday, agrees Ritual is a help if so. ***NOTE 18 19 20*** 21st. some thought of A;. 22nd. Wrote Introduction to Bahg -- an essay on Sufism &c. Thoughts of A;. Remarkable experiment with hashish. I took some five grais, and smoked a little ganja. I was drinking a good deal of port, too. Anyway, I went dizzy; but got to bed and slept it off. Think I was on the brink of hallucination. I was describing effects (as in books) to my Nurse and offered her a fraction of a grain on a match, so that she could get the aromatic taste. My remarks were most vivid. At the expected time (supposing she had taken a quantity) she began to suffer all sorts of symtoms, alleged loss of memory and reason. Quick pulse (160) low temperature (97.8) dull heavy feeling following momentary excitement, pupils dilated (not contracted) She remarked on tasting it that she thought it was Belladonna. No thirst, no suspicion, no actual hallucinations; in short, all the wrong systoms. (To be continued) 23rd. About 2 o'clock she began to turn the corner. Wrote a mystic poem of profound obscurity called Abjad-i-aI'ain and did some revision. Turning to A;. was turning to sleep, as too often happens. 26th. Went down to stay with G.H.F;. D.D.S. ***NOTE 7=4*** 27th. ***NOTE Important I, Perdurabo, a member of the C;.C;. do hereby solemnly obligate myself &c to lead a p;. and unselfish life; and will entirely devote myself to raise &c. myself to the K;. of my higher and d;.G;. that I shall be Him. In witness of which I I;. the ***NOTE 9th.*** A;. ;hebavh;r to give me a proof of his existence. Complete and perfectvisualizatio of C;. as p;. on ``The low dark hill, the storm, the star''. But the ***art*** of the Camel open and a ray therein; [...] a certain vision of A;. remembered only as a glory now attainable. ***NOTE*** 29th. Sunday night. D.D.S. and P. discuss a new O;. D.D.S. wants Authority. I should write and say ``Perfect the lightning-conductor and the flash will come''. Dec.31. Very true; but there need not be hesitatio any more. 30th. Returned to London. No more definite A;. driven from 12 to 12. August 3rd. Left for Eastbourne. 4th. About to try the experiment of daily Aspiration in the P;.***NOTE osition*** of the 5;de =6;de O;. Did this 22 minutes with I;. It needed D.D.S. but the Eli Eli feeling is perhaps induced and this is good. I made + on my B;. with ;ma ad also O on my H;.ead. Scire. The vow of Poverty is to esteem nothing, to value nothing save A;. ***NOTE*** The vow of Chastity is to use the M;. force for no purpose but I;. of A;. Velle. The vow of Obedience is to concentrate the W;. on A;. alone. Tacere. The vow of Silence; to regulate the whole organism so that so vast a miracle as ***art*** excites therein no commotion. N.B. To look expectantly always, as if He would instantly appear. 5th. ***NOTE*** My Revelations book The Arcanum in the Adytum ***art*** or the Secret of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, being a commentary upon the ***NOTE*** Apocaclypse. On the cover ``The Secret of Jesus'' 9th. Wrote the I;. of the Ring. 10th. 5=6 Pos. With ;ma to O and A renewing vows. 28 minutes. Got the Threshold -- the awful doubt whether one shouldn't walk away and thrwo up the whole thing -- presented first as a temptation, then as a doubt. Wherefore the cry ***NOTE*** `Eli Eh' But no further save for a sense as of dew distilling from the Eye i the Triangle by the Ray. 14th. Am still very much below par. Not that I feel bad; but I sleep absurdly after massage. ``Armageddon''. the final conflict -- mysticism and health. Where the rationalist argument breaks down; necessary for it to prove that Samadhi is a diseased process. Low phenomena of ( [...] ) light, soud etc. not at all true mystic powers -- they are the spermatomhoea of the mystic Yod. This is a separate essay -- not my commentary on Revelation. ``Space''. As an illusion (1) it is a function of Time. Discuss the Chinese `Li' and draw largely on my experience. (2) (?who) States this can never be eliminated from consciousness. Answer: the civilized man's thought rarely includes so crude a conception. Abstract ideas are incompatible with a belief in space. (3) Refer to and amplify Kant's proof (4) Effect of Hashish (quote Ludlow) (5) What does Samadhi say? My comment on Apocalypse. (1) The Qabalah and the Bible; a preliminary essay, justifying my whole position. Christ on Quabalist ``He that is able to receive it, let him receive it!'' Quabalah spiritual; removes Bible from silly rationalistic criticism e.g. 3 maji or King 3. No odds; it's the 3;r that matters. (2) The correspondences with table. Their use in interpretation. The Golden Rule ``The most spiritual meaning the right one'' so that even if John wrote of Nero and Rome, you turn his dross into gold. Alchemical side-issues: the symbols of the Asch Metzareph. (3) The Commentary. (4) Appendix -- the co nection with Daniel (or this can go i with 2) ***NOTE*** Note on Q symbolism of ***art*** Thieves (&) &c. Paroketh. 18th. Came back to Eastbourne. Reobligated ***art*** though ill. September 1. Reobligated by O and + head and breast. 8th. (Pain too great to record voews even if I made any.) 16th. Revewed 5=6 vows as usual. 17th. Went to Ashdown Park Hotel Coulsdon. 21st. End of 32 weeks -- 8 months -- 224 days of A;. thought. Did a little I;. Enquiring how to I;. the A;. got the instat reply OFTEN;r -- and only saw later that this was the same old order as before. Which confirms it; discard methods rituals &c. (and their [...] ontradictories) but do it Often. ***NOTE*** ( [...] ) represents Hashish, I suppose) Hence great poetical idea (First for years) A son commits suicide in his mother's presence as the most cruel punishment he can devise. To avoid [...] he must be wicked; but no wicked man ever killed himself yet. -- -- ? Hashish vision. Wonderful but very unstable landscapes, soft green, purple and blue. Blaze effects of all sorts and a frequently coming -- and -- going -- altered figure of A;. One seems however detached, e.g. the chameleon -- jewelled motor -- cars which kept on running through me didn't hurt. Further, the proportions of space and time were not disturbed. Though the visions were thus varied and pleasant they were not at all exciting. I chose to consider them as terrestrial landscape-faced demons &c. for the A;. seemed to alternate. 22nd. Jones at Coulsdon. Celebration ;su in ;li Quintessialized O -O ***NOTE*** 23rd. Jones still at Coulsdon. We celebrate the return of ;su to ;li 24th. Began to celebrate ;su in ;ar ***NOTE*** 30th. Concluded the draft of ;su in ;ar by ;me Oct. 9th. Tested new R. and behold it was v.g. thanked hods and sacrificed for Lola ***NOTE*** Hashish 10. p.m. acting -- taken at 8. Many very strange ***NOTE*** illusions of sight, sense of proportion, locality, illusions of muscular distortion, the pen actually writing good ***NOTE*** legible English, but appearing to do so only as a ***NOTE*** of two ***NOTE*** counterpoises. (Hours to write that sentence -- and this) None of the illusions seriously interfere with small fine coordinated movements. I think of a word and forget it before I can write it down. This happens by lapses: a question of attention held and released. 10th. I am still drunk with Samadhi all day. ***NOTE*** Curious observation S.D. looks like a symbol Curious feeling that one has a foriegn body in one's mouth. Enough, these are all dog-faced demons. I will;r see Adonai. Bus! (Must tell Jones he can never;r get the [...] because only th thing he can't baish is the highest) S.D. is;r A. This from fancied personal resemblances. Fear of fascination by drug. Extraordinary fits of laughter. Every thought (each is a definete symbolic picture) is instantly followed by a criticism (also pictured) Sometimes the criticism is so severe that it becomes a primary thought -- hence inattention. When a thought is weak or unbalanced, the curret of thought is changed. Hence strong thoughts are wanted. ***NOTE*** I~ morning. Memory very good. Remember striking realization of ureality of things in room &c. Remember how very close to Samadhi the ritual brought me: perhaps even the control of the drug that arose and forced me to bed, plus my fear of the`shock of R's anticipated coming up to bed, operated to stop me. For in the ``Thanks-giving and sacrifice for S.D.'' I did;r get rid of everything but the Holy Exalted One, and must have held Him for a minute ***NOTE*** or two. I did. I am sure I did. I expected Rose to see a Halo round my head. ***NOTE*** But the hashish enthusiasm surged up against the ritual-enthusiasm; so I hardly know which phenomena to attribute to which. Noticed at the time that S.D. made A;. enthusiasm possible; was ;. good. Yet I would not pray for one more Kiss having already had my deserts. The more I think of it the more I am sure that I got into Samadhi. (somehow) not like a human at all. 11th. At night transcribed fair the N ***NOTE*** R of the M of I with much labout and affliction of spirit. To bed with thoughts of A;. A curious persistent vision of blue and ***NOTE*** also white line below line of sight -- shaped thus. 12th. Still a bit nearer reality as regards time. The Omens were -- a dead rat, 66, an Vestal Virgin, an old mean violent woman of all evil, an officer and a gentleman, a virgin become a beautiful woman. Th} whole bathed in an ecstasy of IAO and Aphrodite. Did some prayer and fasting but not enough. 13th. Went to 106, St. Mary's Mansions, Paddington. Curious effect of the Gross-Currents. Cash, Love, Samadhi -- things have really lost their value -- I get what Blavatzky describes in Voice of the Silence as not quite disgust. 14th. Certain Samadhi effects linger -- the unreality of things and one's own sense of success &c. 16th. Unpacking. Samadhi nearly, yet ot quite, worn off. At work very hard all day. 20th. To Mistley. About Samadhi I told D.D.S. who thinks Hashish had nothing about the Truth to do with the Samadhi, though possibly useful as a starter. I feel as if something were going to happen. -- Just as I began to enflame myself in praying, a thing snapped in my brain, jarring it, as if a bowstring, 1/4 drawn, slipped from the fingers. Sense of physical relief -- a `clearing' of the brain -- and also of occult discharge. I couldn't get backand soon slept. 21st. A somewhat disappointing day, nearly all the talk beng talked. Alao I am still `polarized' a good deal; my indifference ``Titiksha'' X is pronounced, I am truly indifferent even to L. X ? Vairagya. 23rd. Wrote history praelection and re [...] Sick with lack of Lola -- a still pool of clear water in which L.V.X. ***art*** is reflected.. 24th. Did a small I;. Result very near success. Was too sleepy. 31st. 9.30. Took a smaller dose of Ha than before. Smoking Hashish cigarettes. Incense &c. as before. Must work known dosage. ***NOTE*** Wrote a long letter to A. or rather V.H.S. F;. 10.25. Before inviking I feel some sort of effect introspection developed. Time sense shaken; blanks in thought; feeling of fullness back of neck etc. etc. All very slight -- only the ***NOTE*** story introspection shws them. Inv. nearly twice -- terrible agony. Barbarous names. Supreme test, for a man who is really;r praying. Cannot bring himself to say a ridiculous thing to his God, even on the latter's mandate. I shall go and recite Greenland's &c -- If with faith Samadhi. Time after time I feel the sickening pangs of dissolution; physically I nearly faint; but I don't get over the bar. I am very sick and retire in disorder pursued by dog-gaced demons of all kinds. Once again I nearly got there -- all went brilliance -- but not quite. I had too much drug and too little invocation. I completely forgot L. thanksgiving altogether. the real meaning of `Change not barbarous names &c' is the one thing good out of all this. There is nothing but d -- f. ds after I get to bed; but there is always the consciousness behind thoughts. Thus when the conc. realizes that `I am apart from my thoughts' that thought itself is pictorially shewn as a thought. Thus the Bhagavad Cita I am all ad in all, yet a part from all -- I who am all, and made it all, abide its separate Lord. This consciousness is the real Self in all probability; it would never touble to command its thoughts, for all are alike to it. The spine should be vertical, as the Hindus justly say. Novr. 1st. Observe that the H. took just an hour to get in its deadly work. 4th. D.F.Ds. all day. Fuller Jones O E. Sunny Jim. Descent into Hell -- In the Power of the Dweller -- obsession by a [...] left by Fuller (& Jones) called ***NOTE*** Retun with great difficulty -- awful pangs -- Eli Eli &c. N.B. I got back to very near Samadhi in the end. 5th. Worked out Abr. Lamen. 13th. Wrote to SirAgamya Guru Paramahansa ``If you are the one I seek, this will suffice -- name and address''. He replies: ``Ask your own intelligence''. I out his sig ;sa -- found in ;fi of the ;st In Earth of lesser angle ;ca ;sa ;su = 268. ;ca is perhaps myself 418. Symbol of whole scheme I;. ;hbravh;r Qw ;ta Very good. I reply ``My question concerned myself. Your answer emboldens me to ask for an interview. I need hardly add that in such a matter all days and hours are alike to me.'' He answers ``Come ;lu noon'' 14th. Answer from A.G.P. Invoked for symbols. Again got into the Samadhi proximity state, as it were, without trouble. 18th. The 8th anniversary of my ***art*** birth. 19th. Shri A.G.P. 12.0. Saw A.G.P. Good impression after leaving, stronger than at time. 21st. Saw again A.G.P. He prescribed (1) Devotion (2) Mystery (3) Omnibenevolence associated in a practice to which the River Jordan Water-line was complex and difficult.. He has ***NOTE*** attained a high grade, but has no ***NOTE*** concerning men. He thinks of all the world as either inside or outside his little fold, and sheep or goat according. Which is unusual folly for such an illuminated bugger. Another lesson not to attribute objective value to one's Samadhi results. 23rd (Began the three gunas) Decr. 2nd. Went to ``business meeting'' of Sir Agamya &c. His whole plan perfectly ridiculous; a fine object-lesson in what to avoid. 7th. Jones writes from the Samadhi-dhatu ??? 10th. Jones came up and we dined. Jones says ;grkou mh;r is 8-3 I say Mollie Lee rhymes with both. This purifices and consecrates me, so that I feel ``I am the master'' quite genuine -- without scruple or diffidence. No personality. 11th. Back to Bournenouth. Jones' amazing third letter. X 13th. Mackie arrived from Hordle. Discoursing to Mackie, sounds of astral rubbed glass (mostly right ear. 15th. Began Table of Correspondences and did two hours work at it. 16th. 21/2 hours of T. of C. in A.M. 3 in P.M. 17th. 21/2 hours Table of Correspondences. Mostly reading Beth Elohim. 18th. 3 Hours. T. of C. Wrote ;hbrTMA;r 19th. T. of C. became chronic. 20th. Up to Lodon. 24th. Down to Jones. 25th. At work all day and night on table. But the important thing is the readig of Amath, and the discussion (to be reproduced as a dialogue ??? la Berkeley) of it. Jones took the 10 = 1 view and we ran up and down the tree like bloody spqirrels deciding on A.C. trying Truth in the Witness -- Box sense as a formula ``I = Thou'' and of course to avoid fear. Be careful not to mix up this formula with morality;r which is 00 as before. 26th. More table till Jones broke down. This Truth game 320 days (32 paths X 10 Sephiroth) Sice I wrote ``Ruach breaking through into Neschamah.'' 27th. Back to Town. Broke down myself. Appear to have got into the Fruit of which Jone's ``hail! All Hail!'' was the Blossom. In short, recognizig that ??? I am He;r in the same way that I recognize ``Snow is white'' -- not arguing it, nor announcing it triumphantly. I acted on that basis without self-consciousness, and wrote various letters. Later; viz, at 6.0. p.m. O took a very small dose of`Hashish -- say 11/2 ??? -- 2 gr. on a by no means empty stomach. The introspection seems awakened at once; owing, maybe, to expectation. Use all means to invoke A;. (possibly even masturbation -- if such an act is physically possible ??? -- as a means). 7.0 -8.15. There is no link to bid together the thoughts ??? ( of the second order -- ( [...] thoughts) -- );r since they are only like letters of words not (apparently) interconnected. (Usual phenomena) With practice this game could be made useful ??? ( e.g. to work out a pyschological system;r ). Each battery goes through a whole battery of critics; it is `analysed' ( in time, I was thinking of Well's analysed sounds in the New Accelerator;r ) Also there seems several main individuals or strata of thought ( ??? delusion of triple personality &c.) They have ( or may have;r ?) different time-rates. ( One sees at it were an officer running forward to reform a shake set of thoughts, or to order new evolutions;r ) 8.15. I went to bed about now and tried hard to masturbate, without success. The first time I failed from fear; the second time I know not why; the third time I was under the delusion that I had come. ***NOTE*** The `millions of worlds' game -- the peacock multiform with each `eye' of its fan a mirror of glory wherei also another peacock -- everythig thus. ( Here consciousness has o longer any knowledge of normal impression. Each thought is itself visualized as a World-Peacock -- such seems to me the iterpretation of above;r ) ??? 1.20. A.M. Head still buzzing; wrote above. Samadhi is;r Hashish, an ye will; but Hashish is not Samadhi (It's a low form this Atmadashana) (I don't, ad didn't;r, quite understand this. I think it means that only an Adept can use Hashish to excite Samadhi; or else that Hashish is the evil and averse S.) The Introspection Pnenomena ??? ***NOTE*** This is like the letter A in the word or idea `cat' The Picture-Ideas ( ??? thoughts) ***art*** Converging to form a `a' and so on. This disconnected second rank are very numerous. There are many raks of thought (are these the Sephiroth?) The cosciousness moves backwards and forwards, outwards and inwards. Each rank is of course observed by the one next to it inwards, or else by the Analyser. There's a `Intelligence' (among the Hierarchies of me) who suddenly draws lines round groups of second rank ideas and labels them `candle' ??? &c. front rank men, getting them off as a whole. ( Just as I might make an A of dots, scratches, &c and when finished fling it forth a visible `A';r) Others too have other functions -- there's a whole crowd of us all organized. What puzzles is the vast number of thoughts required to make oe physical thought. Bound to believe in simplicity behind. ??? Why? Mathematical truths are absurd; they belong to the unanalysed brai, for one thing: and, for another, they represent relations between units of that row -- no more. Thus the Universal Peacock is One. (I prefer a different view. The [...] ??? thoughts not nearer but further than the physical; not radiatig from the Ego, but converging upon it. This is an argument against Hashish,, and does not suggest that further progress would bring one to a higher rank. The various individuals are on this view rather arch-demons.);r -- A good deal this on introspection. Oh for a memery -- in flesh to tell people about this; in spirit to bid together and organize the analysed thoughts, so that one's consciousness should normally obserne the second rank crowd. This is (would be;r) constant ecstasy, but the actions of the man (owuld;r) go on as usual, and it is oly a certa instinct in one's hearer if they perceive that oe is ot oeself. This time no sickness -- slight physical drunkenness -- very slight. Must tuy in presence of Jones and Fuller with Jewell concealed to take notes. The earlier very rapid things all escape record. It is 1.40 A.M. I am practically sober. 8.30 A.M. Introspection still quickened. 9.45 A.M. One has only to think hard to get back to the World of Thoughts. N.B. The dose was a shade too large -- not much. There was no sense of being overpowered. Began ;hbrTMA;r formula. It was an awful pang to reply ``The Flapper'' to ``Who is Lola?'' and really very difficult to do it without using a tone of voice of a lying nature. Got a sort of vision of the Gate of 10 = 1 [...] ??? Self as a mage in his circle breaking it down and the universe rushing in -- all the lions and dragons symbols and vanishing as they came. 28th. Beginning to see possibilities of scheme (i.e. Truth Scheme)