HAIL OTIS! HAIL OTIS! HAIL OTIS! HAIL OTIS! The Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes POB 235 Williamstown, MA 01267-0235 Greetings! We have received, over the last few months, so many letters from followers totally confused (PRAISE SPODE!) about the purpose of the House that we have finally caved in and decided to clarify just who we are and what we do (PRAISE LOTUS!). The result is the attached document. It is by no means exhaustive. So, if after reading it, you are still confused (PRAISE SPODE), we also have the following documents available: List o' the Gods! -- The entire OTISian pantheon on one easy to read 11" by 17 " sheet. Descriptions of the more popular gods, and some you may never have heard of. Beautiful colors! $2.00 Centerfolds of the Gods! -- See your favorites in the Buff! Very revealing. Also includes descriptions and methods of worship. (COMING SOON!) BACK ISSUES! -- What were we worshiping LAST WEEK? Find out! $1.00 per back issue, a list is FREE with an SASE. (List also includes books you should be aware of). WE DON"T EVEN SELL IT! -- A full length article on OTISian death practices (the original Sumerian religion, not our modern fabrication) is available from: THE OWL CREEK JOURNAL POB 545 Gambier OH 43022 Ask for issue #2 ("Potential"). Comes attached to a really neat pagan journal, as well. A must own. $1.50. T-Shirts! Won't help you understand OTIS at all, but much more comfortable in the summer than one of our mailings! $8.00 WHILE THEY LAST! Blessed Underware! Preacher Tim does this. ONLY 19.95 for your own pair of sacred undies!! Wear these and we'll worship YOU one week! Silk screened like the T-shirts..... That's it! PRAISE ROTUS! and HAIL OTIS! POPE JEOFF I of the IGHF "Who ARE You and What Are You Doing in My Mailbox??!!!?????" (A Brief but Helpful Guide to Otis Worship for Beginners) Hello. We're the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes; the only fully registered OTIS worshiping organization in existence and the LAST TRUE FAITH on this pathetic little planet. So far, that short statement has appeared on every one of our mailings. It's catchy, but, unfortunately, not terribly descriptive. Who, after all, is OTIS? For that matter, why do we call ourselves "Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes?" And just what does "pathetic" mean? Let's take it from the top, shall we? WHO IS "OTIS"? OTIS is the main god(ess) we worship. (S)he is at the head of our pantheon. OTIS is the ancient god of life. His/her worship started about 2,000 years before Christ; making her/him one of the oldest god(esses)s in existence. Otis worship originated in ancient Sumeria, survived in cult form in the Roman Empire, and was squashed by the Christians during the "Witch Hunts" in the fifteenth century. It remained that way until we resurrected it (with our own peculiar modifications) in the 1980's. As you may have already guessed, OTIS is neither male nor female. His/her symbol is four arrows going in opposite directions, with the top arrow separate, and the other three joined. No one is sure what this means. Frankly, Tim and I made it up because it looked nice. OTIS is the god(ess) of life. Everything alive is in the dominion of OTIS. Everything not alive is also in OTIS's dominion, mostly because that's the way (s)he wanted it. OTISians believe that OTIS will come at RAGNAROCK (the Appoclypse) and set everyone straight. Those who have not worshiped him/her at that point are in deep dodo. Therefore, it is our mission to keep the faith alive, and in the process save as many souls as possible. OTIS is also a vain god(ess). Hence; his/her name always appears in capital letters, and every time we mention it we have to do this... PRAISE OTIS!! (PRAISE OTIS!!). RIGHT! SO WHAT IS OTIS WORSHIP? The worship of OTIS, is not, in our humble opinion, very demanding. There's no fasting, no involved ceremonies, and no funky dress code. The religion is run by Preacher Tim and myself (Pope Geoffe I of the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes). Every week, we choose a sacred object of worship. This object may never have been worshiped before and can not have appeared in "Time" magazine. The object is celebrated in a two color (read "black and white") xerox collage, which we mail to all members of the house, and anyone else who wants one. This object is worshiped for a week by our followers and then ignored thereafter. There are almost no rules in the worship of OTIS. One of our mottoes is "Everything Forbidden is Optional", and we stick by it. Our Dogma is as follows. Memorize it, and obey it for the quiz which will be held at Ragnarock: DOGMA 1. Ignore Previous Dogma! 2. We have no dogma, you should have known, shame, shame! 3. Send Us Money! WHO ARE THE OTHER GODS? There are FOUR major gods including OTIS, that we, as OTISians, pay homage to. The three remaining are as follows: Lotus The ancient Tiawanese god of peace, Lotus has been worshiped almost as long as OTIS. Rotus is the god of death. Rotus has no history because we made him up. He was worshiped rather extensively at a small liberal arts college in the North East before we borrowed him. Spode is one of our most popular gods. Spode is the ancient Celtic god of confusion, whose modern worship was repressed by the English in Ireland as late as the eighteenth century. Even today, some Scotts get drunk in Spode's name. As the ancient god of confusion, Spode's mission is to spread as much confusion as possible; especially about himself. This is why all of the above is lies. There are also four "bad" gods; Blix, Grbl, Vootie, and Wayne (the gods of pain, suffering, disease, and New Jersey respectively) and the Anti- Otis, the notorious "B. Otis, Too" (terribly evil god and snappy dresser), who leads the evil Zacinthian conspiracy to usurp Otis and rule the universe. (The Zachinthians were originally the members of a lost continent like Atlantis who successfully fled to safety and continue to weave their evil plans). Fianally, there are many miscalaneous gods. A partial list: Heether-- Goddess of Paisley Creiza-- God(ess) of Editing Reid-- God of Plaid Ted-- God of Normalcy Arani-- OTIS' bisexual Consort. (The Divine Concubine) St. Simpson-- A Saint who Understands All the Rules of Grammar God X-- God of Comparative Shopping John-- God(ess) of mediocracy and many more... WHAT ABOUT THE NUMBER FOUR? Four is the sacred number of OTIS. After all, how many letters are there in her/his name?